Life is supposed to be making the right choices at the right time. But what makes a choice right or for that matter what makes the time right? How one can know that the choices not made at any point of time were not better than the option taken . Its a nXn travelling salesman problem where n is infinity and only one path's weightage is known after that path is exercised- not the best form of optimization problem.Why try to solve such a problem then- much easier to leave it to the celestial bodies a few light years away- is it any different in the earthlike planet they found yesterday- do they have negative time there?

Been a while since I posted last. Wanted to write about many things- the Noida killings - spent quite a few years within a km of that place- Warne and Mcgrath retiring- cricket will never be the same without Warne - Man United creating magic- why doesn't the beautiful 1998 come back to my life as well- the best Jagjit Singh concert I've been to- "hazaro khwaishe aaisee"- heard him sing this a thousand times through the speakers of my music system- but the "live" was something out of this world- the india poised promo- I thought India was always flying-mostly to the west though -finally the delhi winters did it.

Bangalore kills your cravings as far as seasons are concerned- the mercury here is as lazy as I'm. He doesn't seem to get bored of the constancy. Someone should take him to Noida- better still to Pilani. The kick of riding a grade V rapid in a raft - the excitement comes only with the experience. Or may be to agartala- that beautiful town in the north east of India- it may be a grade III but still better than rafting in a lake in Nagarhole. All places I stayed before moving to bangalore has had significant change in temperature throughout the year- a winter was always less than 10C and a summer was always something more than 30 C. Getting drenched in the first rain after the heat in summer- nature's way of rewarding for going through the ordeal- nature's way of emphasizing what lies at the end of every hardship. Though summer came with so many wonders- I had a bias towards winter.
Sipping that cup of tea in the morning, having oranges sitting outside in a bright sunny day, taking a dip in the nearby pond before sunrise during makarsankranti and then stand close to the fire to get the blood moving,having koi machh( fish) with cauliflower and daler bori (dried lentil paste) for lunch, topakool ( some kind of berry) after school, getting under the quilt as early as possible, coming out of hostel room in Pilani at 2 o'clock in the night to have that cup of hot chocolate and fried maggi at the All Night Canteen, somehow finishing the morning ablutions with cold water as the hostels had solar heaters , 8 AM common hours, writing back to back comprees, weekly sometimes monthly bath in the wing when the buckets used to disappear all of a sudden, the pakoda's in the evening canteen, travelling during night in roadways buses after the semester break in december, riding a bicycle in Noida when the visibility used to go down to 100 meters, having that special cup of cappucino at Barista at sec 18 at 11 o'clcok in the night and gaze at the almost invisble parking, going for squash at 7 in the morning, chatterjee's room heater with shining lights, snow capped peaks of Alpes from grenoble in a rare sunny day after a week of rain and wind, shivering at the riverside hotel , the fog in the highway from torino to milano, pizza and limoncella at the university cafe, walking down to university from the pavia station, the beautiful italian girl with those lovely eyes who used to catch the same train, snow outside the room in nainitaal, driving in a car from delhi to nainitaal and almost losing it all due to thick fog. Winter- I miss you.

Tired- almost 30 times around the sun- trying to be interested in the same thing for almost a decade, trying to prove the worth by doing the same thing at different places and then throwing it all to prove the same to someone else- with the hope that things will change this time around- trying to keep the faith- trying to still trust. What remains is a heap of empty promises, a feeling of getting used.
" I might feel like a man who, in the grip of the undertow, gives up the fight, stops swimming, and turns his face towards the open sea....... sleep is no longer a healing bath, a recuperation of vital forces, but an oblivion, a nightly brush with annihilation."- J.M. Coetzee

The desire to put down those innumerable thoughts that crowd the mind has been raising the voice for quite some time now-but it was always overcome by the laziness that I have been gifted with. Or was it the gift of indecisiveness- a personal diary would have served the purpose. But when did I last write a pageful of meaningful sentences using pen and paper. Or was it that facade of an introvert? Like most of the decisions in my life- this also took its own sweet time .

The name- I could not think of anything better than this . I think that's the ultimate purpose of my existence . But who knows- someone said that the only thing permanent is change. So here I am.